Loss of a loved one is painful no matter how it happens. Death is just one of those aspects of life that's really difficult to deal with. We try to get our brains to logically understand and our hearts to let go, but it is painful.
We lost our dog Freckles last Monday. He'd been my faithful companion for 12 years. We'd been through so many life events/transitions together. He saw me through grad school... USAF training, deployments, PCSs... boyfriends... marriage... pregnancy and into motherhood. It was difficult watching him slow with age. But he stayed right by my side til the very end. My husband and I cried together as we watched him that last night as he lay dying on the front lawn. We managed to get him back inside the house, and said our good-byes. We didn't expect to see him in the morning. But he was still there... barely breathing. Darwyn said he didn't wag his tail or anything as he left for work that morning, but he recognized me and greeted me with a wag that final morning.
We'd already made the decision to put an end to his suffering. That morning as I was getting Levi his breakfast, I was frantically making arrangements on the phone. I was sick to my stomach. Trying to figure out exactly how I was going to carry him from the back patio all the way around the house into the car... ugh. As I had the car running with Levi fastened into his carseat, I made one last trip into the house to get Freckles. It was the most horrible sound I'd ever heard! That mournful, gasping, final breath. I was pretty sure I wouldn't see him breathing as I approached. As I bent to touch him, I was almost certain his torso was still. But no matter how much you've thought it through, nothing can really prepare you for what it feels like to touch a lifeless body.
If Levi hadn't been sitting in the car, I probably would have simply collapsed into a heap on the floor next to my now lifeless dog. But I managed to pick myself back up as I sobbed and sobbed. Death hurts. We'd been expecting it, but you're never really ready. We'd been watching him slowly dying over the past several days, but it still hit me much harder than I'd anticipated. I just lost my friend and member of the family. It was very sad.
I tried to busy myself with activity outside the house. I just couldn't be in the house with the dog's lifeless body still lying there on the back porch. I made it to my bi-weekly chiropractor visit. While I knew it wouldn't take away all the pain, she did make me feel a little better... at least more relaxed. By then I was accepting Freckles' death more and more. Levi and I went to visit my friend Susie and her daughter Keira. Again, more excused to not be home. Oh, did I mention that on the way to the chiropractor's office I put a call into my midwife's nurse letting them know I'd been spotting for a couple days and wasn't sure if I should be concerned or not. So, while I was watching my son splash in the kiddie pool with his friend Keira, I got a call back from the nurse. After relaying the "spotting" details to her from the previous couple of days, she insisted I come in to just make sure everything was okay.
That afternoon, I headed to the midwife's office for a check-up. Initially, she tells me that everything looks fine (cervix was closed). All my bloodwork from two weeks prior looked good, everything was normal. She sent me back to the waiting room to wait for the ultrasound technician. An ultrasound was the only way to make sure everything was okay. Everything wasn't okay. Darwyn finally met up with me in the waiting room. Poor guy! I'd tried to get in touch with him during the day to catch him up on the day's events. I'd forgotten he would be away from the phone all day. He finally called me as I was in the exam room waiting for the exam. It was only then that I was able to let him know why I was even at the midwife's office in the first place. You see, since we'd been dealing with Freckles dying the night before, I hadn't had a chance to tell him about the spotting. And I didn't really get concerned about it until it was still happening that morning (when he was away from the phone and the nurse insisted I come in for a check-up).
I'm so glad he was able to be with me for the ultrasound. I was so nervous. I couldn't wait to see the baby and hear her say that everything was okay. Well, like I already said, everything wasn't okay. She asked how far along I was; I was 10 weeks pregnant. She said my uterus measured only 8 weeks, and while she hated to be the one to tell me, there was no baby... it was only an empty sack.
I felt like my heart had just been ripped out of my chest. I looked up at Darwyn who while holding Levi was also teary-eyed. At that point I was so numb, I don't think I could feel anything. I'd already cried so much and been accepting the death of my dog, I didn't know what else to feel with the death of my child.
As somber as it was for Darwyn and me that evening at home, we still had to deal with the body of a dead dog, and our 13-month-old toddler who demanded so much attention. Thank God, he demanded so much of our attention! He kept us laughing and helped keep us sane. We still had to grieve, and we still have our moments, but by still having to meet the needs of our toddler son, our grief has had to be more controlled. The Lord knows what we can handle.
Darwyn contacted his work to let them know he wouldn't be coming in the next day. Thank God he had that much foresight. That next day was awful! While we'd already been told there was no baby, we'd had some opportunity to deal with that concept mentally and emotionally. The next day we took Freckles to SPCA for cremation. We'll take his ashes back home to IL where he spent probably half (if not more) of his life. On the way home, we stopped at the grocery store. I wanted to take advantage of having Darwyn's help at the grocery :) The cramping started while walking through Publix.
Dealing with the physical pain of the miscarriage was miserable. But I'm so thankful that we already knew about it the day before rather than learning of it via the physical pain. I'm so thankful that Darwyn stayed home that day. I'm so very thankful for Levi.
Death is painful for the rest of us, for those who are left behind. Yeah, Freckles was with me for 12 years, and I because he was so much a part of almost every aspect of our lives, we will miss him for a long time. I still hear things that sound like him or his collar. But the loss of a child is something that no parent should ever have to deal with. I am glad it happened early in the pregnancy and that we hadn't yet seen the baby via ultrasound, we didn't know boy or girl, no name was picked out, no modifications had yet been done to the house, no money had yet been spent on a double stroller. But I still cry whenever I can sit still long enough to think about the child I will never know. While the physical part is over and I'm on the road to recovery, it still hurts. I still feel the pain of that loss. I know we'll finally know our child when we're all made whole again in heaven, but for now, it hurts. I know the Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle, but it sure feels like it sometimes!
Part of me wants to get a new puppy to help fill the void left by the loss of Freckles. Part of me says I should give our family some time to recover. Part of me wants to get pregnant again right away to prove everything is physically okay with me and to help fill the void of the miscarriage. Part of me says I should give my body more time to heal and and our family more time to recover.
It's sad and painful. Time doesn't make the hurt go away but makes it easier to deal with. I couldn't believe after losing a dog and a baby in the same day I was still breathing at the end of that day. But we were still breathing, after we cried together. Now a week later, my husband says it's easier this week to respond to the "how's the baby" questions than it was last week. Poor guy. I put it on FB to avoid those interactions, but I'm not "friends" with his co-workers. It's been a very difficult week. The sort of pain I wouldn't wish on anyone. Thank God for Levi!!
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